Online Stars Who Wouldn’t Have Real Friends

Being an anonymous Internet user is the absolute tip top. You don’t know my name. You don’t know where I live. After I brag for days about the giant shit I left in your mom’s toilet after she made me breakfast, I can rest easy knowing that you have no way of locating me or my mom. Who in God’s name would give that up? What kind of person would really want to step out of their loose, spandex lounge pants of anonymous  “I had sex with your mom” jokes into the  ball-crushing, “watch what you say” Wranglers of Internet celebrity? Assholes, losers, and fame-a-holics is who. People whose only interactions are with people with names like cheesybib209 or hungrykitty6. People who have such a deep-down hatred for humankind that the Internet is the only place they can share their views without fear of institutionalization. People who are absolutely starved for attention but who have no discernible talents. People who blow a sticky every time their friend count goes up. People who would no actual friends otherwise:

THE LOSERS:

The losers are the kids who spent equal parts of their high-school lives having their hair dyed with Ty-D-Bowl, and taking apart their SNES just for fun. They are the kids who made personal vows  that some day all of the jocks in their schools would watch with envy from behind a counter at Burger King and see how many friends and how much money they could make with their tiny arms, giant brains, and fucking enormous eyebrows. People who spend hours blowing their hard earned money in an online casino. They are the kids who, as a whole, did end up making bank as the Web went world-wide and then used their Online prowess and money to make 6,210,578 “friends.” Too bad the jocks are all too busy getting head by the fry-cooker to notice.

Tom Anderson

Yup. Tom is a loser. Tom spent his life energies creating a Website that existed only to help people make friends and stay connected with friends they already had. That was cool. Then Tom sold that Website for ungodly sums of money. That was even cooler. Then Tom remembered that the real reason he had built his empire was because he had no real friends. That was  less cool. Now Tom spends his time desperately trying to reclaim his place in the world of MySpace without admitting that the site is his only reason for waking up. This is even less cool than his days of wishing into a tree stump for a magic screen that he could use to instantly make millions of friends.

Bram Cohen

Bram is the man that invented the popular media sharing software BitTorrent. He is a rarity among the losers in that he actually deserves our respect for using his brain and eyebrows to find a neat new way for me to steal movies. Of course, the technology has moved well past its original form, leaving Bram in the loser dust while I steal movies using his ideas but a new brand of smoother software. Thanks Bram. You still have no friends.

Shawn Fanning

Shawn Fanning is the mind behind Napster. He used to ditch his classes and hang out and write code for his uncle’s Internet company Chess.net. I have no proof but I’m assuming he did this to avoid bullies who somehow found out that he wrote code for a company called Chess.net. Don’t worry if you barely remember Napster, because as soon as Fanning thought he had escaped the world of being a loser tormented by bullies he took his software public and was collectively bitch-slapped by the bullies in the music industry. Don’t feel too bad for Shawn though, after Napster he went on to found a site that let gamers connect and brag about their gaming accomplishments. He is finally home.

THE WANNABE’S:

The wannabes generally come in two flavors: the minor celebrities that wont let go of the taste of fame and the people that have never known the taste of fame but are absolutely starved for it. The minor celebrities were generally bit players in old television shows, main characters in a movie that was only big for a few months, or old names who haven’t been in anything worth seeing since “Dude Where’s My Car?” They, for some reason, seem to think this makes their opinions valuable and so they tweet their every waking thought onto the Internet like so much diarrhea into the drinking water.  The other wannabes are even worse because they have somehow fooled themselves into thinking their opinions important without even boasting the basic, pointless achievements of their counterparts. These are the people who make a few snide jokes about a celebrity, maybe talk about something they read in The New York Times, and then refer to themselves as Internet journalists and expect their opinions to be considered seriously.

Ashley Tisdale

Imagine everyone in America knows your name. Imagine you are the star of a series of movies that everyone under the age of 14 has memorized and that you see your face on fast food glasses everywhere you go. Imagine that you are the prettiest actress in this series and imagine that, just for the hell of it, you decide to strip down to your birthday suit and snap a picture. Imagine that seventy percent of males under the age of 18 have dirtied tube socks to your nudity, and imagine you are loving it. Now imagine that you are Ashley Tisdale. Nobody has your naked picture, nobody is you for halloween, hell, nobody knows what your character was named. Congratulations Ashley, you came by your complex honest, now find some coke and methadone, stop tweeting, and deal with it like a real celebrity.

Perez Hilton

Well, we all knew it was coming, but here he is. Perez Hilton is what happens when TMZ rapes a Las Vegas dancer and and then gives the baby to Satan to raise. The king of all talentless celebrity bloggers, Hilton has made a career of drawing on the faces of real celebrities and harassing scared gay men. If only papa Lucifer had had the time to pay a little more attention to little Perez we wouldn’t have to live in the world of http://perezhilton.com/.

Pete Wentz

Pete Wentz was once a member of Fall Out Boy. You remember Fall Out Boy right? Dance Dance……… um…. well….. there was Dance Dance and….. it doesn’t matter, he was still in a band and therefore is really cool and funny. Just check out what he wrote today on his Twitter page: “I still hold my breath when I pass cemeteries. There is this this one on the way to brooklyn where I literally turn blue its so long.” My God Pete… you truly do have the soul of a poet.

THE ASSHOLES

The assholes are the people that don’t have any friends because they don’t want any fucking friends. The Internet is not a tool for them to make friends or influence people but rather a place to piss people off with impunity. These are the people that are in all likelihood sociopaths but are generally funny to the people they aren’t bitching out and so rise to the levels of Internet celebrity.

George Ouzounian

Maddox is the manliest, meanest, misogynist Online.  Half lumberjack, half pirate, he has more ways of calling you a pussy than you have ways to prove him right. Just look at how happy he is to give you that finger. The only friends this guy has are masochists with a taste for obscenity and pictures of hairy boners. I’m actually on my way over to his place after I finish up here.

Guy Kawasaki

Guy is an old employee of Apple who now spends his time writing in his blog: http://blog.guykawasaki.com/. Guy could almost fit into the wannabe section of this post given his lack of anything interesting to say and his obsession with anything related to himself, but Guy’s unique brand of egotism and his stance as one of the world’s most tolerated spammers take him deep into the realm of assholes. The posts in Guy’s blog can be safely split into two distinct sections: the reasons why Guy is better/more charitable/ richer than you are, and the reasons why Guy’s boring existence is worth reading about. Both tend to cause stomach ulcers and an abundance of spam. They are not recommended.

Michael Arrington

Michael Arrington is the founder of TechCrunch, a blog that follows start up companies in Silicon Valley. His job is to judge and report on the happenings of the most cutting edge technologies and companies in America. This would be fine were it not for the fact that Michael Arrington is a complete asshole who’s entire view of a person or company is based on how well they “get web 2.0.” Still not convinced? Just ask Leo…