The Internet has made almost everything easier. It’s made it easier to play, easier to learn, and WAY easier to jack off. Unfortunately, it has also made it easier to do absolutely nothing with your time. Here are some common symptoms of someone who spends too much time online:
You value your precious Web surfing time so much that you can’t lose one precious second. You find yourself thankful for laptops, netbooks, and mobile phones with Web browsers that allow you to multitask shitting and surfing at the same time. Consequently, you also find yourself taking longer than normal dumps just so you can finish checking your updated RSS feeds. But please wash your hands. There’s enough crap on the Internet already.
Mountain Dew Clothes
You feel so strongly about your beverage choice that you just have to let the people know. When you slip on that Dew shirt and head out the door, you feel confident that people will understand what really fuels you. Anyone who sees you wearing that shirt immediately realizes that you are the kind of person that will remain awake for two and a half days to finish your guild battle. Some say it even makes the wearer immune to asthma attacks and grants a +2 bonus to endurance.
Multiple E-mail Accounts
You’re embarrassed.You should be. You’re in a pine walled office, adding SexyStud69@hotmail.com to a professional resume. However, you want to show all the ladies online what a complete tool you are so you still want to keep it. What a dilemma. Fortunately, you’ve created different e-mail account for every plausible scenario that you might have to use one: one for registering for services online, one for family, one for work, and one for your best friend’s mom.
You are so connected to the internet community that you never need to be told about the latest Online phenomenon. You were probably one of the people that found the video. You may have to spend six hours a day surfing through miles of 4chan dialogue, but you got to be one of the first people to watch that fat kid trip over his lightsaber. Unfortunately, you were also one of the first people to ever ask “Wait, those two girls are going to do what with that cup?”
You have downloaded a Firefox add-on for almost everything you’ve ever needed. You have add-ons that educate, record, manipulate, and download. If you encounter a problem, the first place you check for solutions is the add-ons list. If you can’t find a solution there, the problem probably wasn’t worth solving in the first place. Unfortunately, this dependency may cause you some problems when it comes time to fry up a ribeye.
World of Warcraft
You knew that being a great hero of Azeroth would take dedication. You understand the suffering that is necessary to shape a true champion. And so you grind. Hours at a time, you ignore the hunger, you ignore the carpal tunnel, and you ignore the boredom that has destroyed lesser men. Someday it will all have been worth it when you are the most feared man in World (of Warcraft).
Most of your friends have names that I probably can’t pronounce. When you want to hang out with the guys and play a little poker, you need to first establish connections to Korea, India, and Vietnam. Luckily, that’s not hard at all for you. You can remember fondly all of the times you’ve had with your friends, all the quests, games, and discussions. Of course, it would be easier if you all spoke the same language. . .
Too Much Information
The newspaper hasn’t been on your table for a few years now. You don’t miss it though, because you have made sure to follow a different blog for every single topic of your interest. Sure you have to read fifteen blogs every day, but you don’t mind. You can set up your laptop where the newspaper used to go and read the news while you chow your Rice Krispies. Just like old times.
Second Life Career
You tried to explain your career to your mom once and she just laughed. Apparently she doesn’t understand the true value of rabbit ears in fun colors. How could she though, when she’s never really experienced the world of Second Life? If she had, you’re sure she would realize that accessorizing avatars for money actually makes more sense than any job you’ve ever had. After all, do what you know right?
You know it’s strange behavior, but post offices, VCR’s, and those mice with the rubber balls inside them always make you a little frustrated. At what point, you wonder, will our society be able to just put its past behind it and embrace the joys of modernity? If it makes everyone feel better you would certainly not be adverse to a public museum of old and inefficient methods of getting things done. It might be good for perspective.
Vanishing Syndrome is another common ailment of people who spend too much time online. It is characterized by an absence of any direct human interaction and the appearance, to the rest of reality, of not existing. Like MDD, Vanishing Syndrom is easily cured. Simply obtain as many single dollar bills as possible and some sort of transportation. Transport the patient to a strip club as quickly as possible and watch the real world work its magic.
Forgetting To Blink
Everything happens so quickly Online, it’s only reasonable for you to want to keep an eye on it every second. Who knows what you might miss in that fraction of a second that you’ve got your lids down. Just be aware that to the uninformed viewer you may look much more zombified than you feel. If they give you any shit, just record them watching Monday Night Football. That should shut them up.
Your chair has always been there for you. It’s been the support that you’ve needed through countless battles and conversations. In fact, you and your chair have developed such a deep bond that it actually carries physical scars from bearing you into battle. The ass groove runs deep in your chair, hugging your curves tightly and giving you that security you need to confidently face down any virtual competition.
Waking Up On The Keyboard
The condition is often reffered to as MDD, or “Mountain Dew Defficiency.” It starts when you wake with a start and a crink in your neck. You look around and realize that not only are you still dressed, but you’re still sitting in your office chair. Empty Dew cans generally litter the vicinity of the afflicted whose face may still carry keyboard marks. Luckily, the condition is easily remedied and is only fatal for whichever team you’re battling with when you hit the deck.
You, on some level, understand that arguing on the Internet almost never accomplishes anything. You get that it is an exercise in vanity to some degree and that it will be forgotten by almost everyone within a week of ending. You also realize, though, that if you quit now the little shit from Vermont wins. You have spent days before, reviewing cases, studying journals, and whatever else was necessary to prove your point. It doesn’t matter who you’re fighting with or what you’re fighting about, you know you’re right and, by God, you’re going to win.
This guy is your nemesis. Superman had Lex Luther, G.I. Joe had Cobra, and you have Batllestarsexy9. This guy pops up anywhere you ever post and immediately attacks. You can’t count the number of hours you’ve spent putting this asshole back into his place, and you can’t even remember the argument that initiated your feud. All you know is that Battlestarsexy9 must be destroyed at all costs. Oh, by the way, he makes fun of your name too.
Your unconscious mind likes to take you where you are most comfortable and powerful. For you, that means the world of HTML. Walk around and enter a few new lines of code into the elm tree and watch it sprout maple leaves. Enter some new lines into the stream and watch the beer flow strong. Add a few new lines into your girlfriend and watch her bra size double. It’s a good life.